Thursday, December 6, 2007

December 6 – Day 80

I feel so much like I did in the days right after St. Petersburg when my emotions were so fragile and I spent far too long swimming in my own mind. The situation is so much different now but I still feel these burst of anger at this place and these people and I just want to go home. I feel ugly, abrasive and on edge. I knew this week would be difficult and I was prepared for the stress but I can’t shake the awful thoughts and I just want to escape. I don’t want to spend my last days here wrapped up in a cloak of negativity, dwelling on the aspects of life here that disturb me so much but despite my best attempts I can not find the quiet in my mind. I feel people swarming around me, jostling against me as I try to muddle through, buzzing about with toxic thoughts. I just want a moment to regroup from the weeks events but I haven’t the time. This morning I made a break for the stairwell hoping to meander toward school alone but Stephanie nabbed me at the door and while she didn’t want to speak, she insisted on marching next to me no matter how fact I raced. She had no idea I needed space and given how supportive she has been I had to ask. Actors can be needy beings in a constant search for physical contact as a way to reassure themselves of their validity in this world. We kiss and hug and drape all over one another in a manner most individuals might find off-putting and while it is the norm here, all I want at this moment is to be left alone. I feel so smothered. It is too much – too false. I am not in a place to be trotting down the boulevard arm and arm with my classmates like Lavern and Shirley. I am too tightly wound. I know it will pass but I just need a little time to breathe and sort out all the images plaguing my mind.