Friday, December 7, 2007

December 7 – Day 81

I spent the last four days trying everything I could to snap out of my angry funk without much success but today without any explanation I woke up and it was gone. Just like that the cloud had lifted and I once again felt that sense of release I relish. My theory is that the sudden shift stemmed from looking at the photos and video of my trip home to St. Louis before I left for Moscow. I watched the video of me and my mother at a Cardinals game a few days after I got to town. Lots of alcohol had been involved in the production and between serenading the other fans with Four Season hits and ranting about my boys’ poor performance I could see how much things have changed. I was a bit of a wreck before I left for Russia, miserable with the state of my life and my relationships and even on my most difficult day I am far better off than the girl in those home movies. I woke up feeling okay about letting go and seeing the world with clear vision again. It felt okay to happy and to laugh. We had a goodbye party tonight at Colleen’s flat – thirty five people crammed into a apartment setting aside all petty differences and frustrations to celebrate the beginning of the end. It has all gone by so fast. It has been wonderful and scary. Things are as they should be and now it is time to go home.