September 27 - Day 10

Today was rough. Well, the last few days have been a bit rough. I am definitely not used to this pace, physically or mentally and beyond that Wednesday night I started to get very, very ill. I am feeling better now but the people on my floor are dropping like flies. I should have suspected something when every teacher began their class speaking at length about what to do when we get sick. At first I thought that it was kind of them to be concerned about our well-being but by the fifth or sixth teacher I started to think, “God, how sick are we going to get?” It isn’t even that cold yet but they seem convinced we are all going to be on bed-rest at one point or another during this semester. And today I thought I might need it. One by one, my classmates were turning green and becoming feverish and when it hit me it came on fast and I could barely make it home. I drug myself to class today with firm conviction that at the rate this trip is costing me I will be at every class, play or event even if my eye balls are falling out. Luckily it won’t have to come to that and I am feeling much better, as are some of the other students. (We think it had a lot to do with the 24-hour a day construction – seriously at 4 AM they are breaking out the power tools - that is going on on the roof above us and in our hall.) The hard part was that this was the first time in this trip that I thought, “How in the world am I going to be able to keep up this pace for another 10 weeks?” We have no breaks, no days off and by the time we get home from class, eat, shower and rehearse it is pushing three in the morning. And the thing is I don’t want to miss anything. I don’t want to pass up a show or a concert for a chance at some sleep. And I love the work. The classes are so much fun that it is hard to notice when we are pushing ourselves to hard. My knees are currently black and blue from throwing myself on the floor during a scene in my acting class and at the time I didn’t even notice that I was tearing them up. I am just a bit exhausted and I don’t think I realized how much I need to be independent. We are under strict orders from Alex not to go anywhere by ourselves and at a certain point I found myself saying I just want to take a walk by myself for goodness sake. I was actually thrilled when I realized I had left my movement pants in my dorm and I had to make a mad dash back to get them. It was the first time since I got here that I really felt alone, sprinting like a crazy woman down the streets of Moscow. People were looking at me like I was an alien and it felt awesome! I guess in a weird way all these doubts and fears make this place better. It is real and scary and hard but I don’t feel like quitting. I have no intention of giving up and I guess if I can tackle Moscow, in the winter, in mandatory high heels and make-up, with sadistic ballet teachers, living with 35 actor-y actors, no sleep and what basically amounts to actor boot-camp, I can handle anything. Or at least that is the hope.