September 28 - Day 11

Last night after I finished writing and was packing up to leave the café I got a call from my mom. It was the first time since I got here that I had been able to talk to her and have a real conversation where I wasn’t straining to hear over dozens of actors or in a rush to get off so I could get to a meeting or a show. I am used to talking to her multiple times a day and it was so wonderful to have a relaxed conversation. Also I think I had forgotten how important it is to have contact with the outside world. We eat, sleep and breathe theatre here and it was nice to talk about something else for a few moments. When I left the café and headed back to my dorm I felt so much better and that lingering uncomfortable feeling I had been carrying around for a few days all but disappeared. It was the first time I had walked around the city alone at night, and while it was only a few blocks to where I am staying it was just lovely, taking in the stillness of a city that has gone to sleep. Today I woke up with more energy than I have had since I got here and thought I would break out the new coat I bought in St. Louis for this trip. I wanted to try out my mom’s theory that when you have been feeling crappy you should always try to look you best and it proved to be an amazing success. I was walking to class in my heels, mini skirt and winter tights with my brand new coat and got stopped twice by people who thought I was Russian and wanted directions, a big deal to all of us here trying not to stick out like Americans. Then several random people in the American Studio stopped me and told me I was gorgeous (!) and I have got to say it was so nice to hear. My ego had been suffering a bit as of late it and it just felt good to feel pretty again. I don’t think it was the coat or the fact that it was the first day in a week where despite my best attempts I didn’t look like walking death but that warm glow I have gotten just from being here and working my butt off. (Although I have a feeling the coat and mini skirt didn’t hurt!) I am really starting to settle into my classes here though I still have a few more that have yet to begin. All of the professors are incredible and it is all really interesting. We were discussing it today and I think the difference is that every single one of them is so passionate about what they teach. Their subjects are in their souls and it is difficult not to find their enthusiasm contagious. There are classes that completely don’t interest some people, like today’s alternating lecture on the History of Russian Costume but they teach more like storytellers and less like lecturers so even though it must go through a translator it is difficult not to find them captivating. Today was also Alex’s last night in Moscow so we planned a special dinner for our little group. I have such mixed feelings about him leaving. On one hand I am excited to be on my own without someone to navigate the city for me but I am also sad because it was so great to have him here. He is a formidable presence and I hadn’t realized in school how brilliant he really is. In the last two weeks I have spent hours and hours sitting with him, talking about theatre and art and the artistic community. He pesters me to move back to Chicago and do theatre and I ask him about being madly in love with your life. So many times he told me how everyday he wakes up crazy about his work, his wife, his kids. He even went on at length about how much he loves his new dog. When I was in school I had the misguided notion that his verbosity and lofty airs came from a place of pretension. Now I see that it is just pure passion and enthusiasm for life and the art. He is the constant teacher and just wants to awaken that passion in those he cares about. Looking back he was by far the best director I have ever worked with, not because the product was more spectacular than other productions but because he changed the way I work. He changed how I look at the process and where I place the value in that process. The point of acting isn’t to get up on stage and do a little dance to make an audience like you. In fact, the point of acting has nothing to do with you. It is about connecting with another human being. The Russians say, (and Alex told me this years ago) that the way an actor can tell if he or she had a great performance is by how well they can remember what their partner was doing. It requires such great selflessness and truly open heart. It is why great artist make it seem effortless. It is so engrained into their beings that they can be free to live out each moment fully as it comes. It is an organic, living, breathing being. As Alex says, “It’s playing Jazz.”