September 29 - Day 12

So there is that point in every relationship where the blinding newness and excitement begins to fade and you have to deal with the real person you have committed yourself to. Sometimes you realize that maybe you made a mistake and the ideas that you had about him or her were more about you and less about what they actually have to offer. Sometimes you see these newly revealed character flaws or blemishes and can accept that they are a tiny part of a far greater package and not worth fretting over. Up until this point Moscow and I have been in a whirl-wind love affair and unfortunately today I had to come back down to earth. I woke up this morning a bit drained from a few too many beers with Alex last night but was really pumped to get to MXAT and to my acting class. We have been working on this series of exercises that were created by Stanislavski and rarely taught in the states. They are called Atudes and they are kind-of difficult to describe but basically we have been doing object work, creating a character and a story based on the life of an inanimate object. My first attempt, in which I inhabited the life of a fuzzy bath towel (I know these sound completely insane) was pretty successful so I wanted to try something with a greater risk. Another female student and I decided to portray the wedding ring of a man getting ready to have an affair. We had this entire emotional/physical journey worked out and really thought we had the piece nailed. We got up, performed the piece and thought that it really worked. Not so much. It bombed - HUGE. Our professor ripped it apart, then the other classmates helped him out. I distinctly felt my jaw hit the floor and could feel the reverb of my partner’s doing the same when they started to speak. It wasn’t just that they didn’t like the idea or the execution. They didn’t like any of it. And the professor just kind of looked stunned. The thing is after the initial shock, I started really listening to what they were saying and I totally hadn’t thought about the points that they were making. They were all really good comments. I must have looked like a complete moron with my partner standing next to me utterly distraught and I am just eating up their critiques with a spoon. Honestly, no one likes not failing but four years ago I never would have even tried to do something if I didn’t have certainty that it was going to be good. (Hell, that is the entire reason I hate karaoke – I am terrified that I am going to look like a jack-ass without hours of rehearsal and probably one too many alcoholic beverages!) This project was really, in the context of what we were doing, and it didn’t work – now I don’t think there was any way it could worked. And okay that sucks, but I learned a hell of a lot more from that first failure than watching all of the other projects succeed. I have to be honest I am feeling way to mature about this – I didn’t want to crawl into a hole and die, not even for a second! After class ended my partner pulled me aside and started freaking out. I felt such empathy for her at that moment. The competition that this art form breeds can be so destructive and it is really hard to recognize it at the time. I took a chance and decided to share with her my new ‘older and wiser’ philosophy on the work and luckily either I didn’t sound too pompous or she is just a really receptive human being because she looked at me and said, “You know you are right. They made some really good points.” And then we were able to talk about the process and walk away feeling good about what it is we have learned. We had to rush from our acting class to the MXAT small stage where the second year acting students were waiting to perform their class concert for us. That’s when things started to take a turn for the worse. The first half of the show was incredible and we were screaming from excitement by intermission. All we could talk about was how amazing these performers are but when the second half started and the students began to parody famous singers things got ugly. A group of students came out to parody Ella Fitzgerald and her band wearing blackface. It was the most blatantly racist thing I have ever seen. I looked around and the majority of the Americans shared my utter disgust at the situation. There were several, however, who seemed to find the entire thing hilarious. I looked to one of the students sitting next to me who said, “Well I never thought I would live to see a live minstrel show!” and that is exactly what it was. All I could think about were my classmates who came four years ago, the first time I could have made the trip, and how hurt they would have been to sit through that. The excuse that Russians don’t see anything wrong with that type of behavior just was not good enough. I felt this incredible sense of rage and indignation. So when one of the O’Neil students, who has a tendency to lack tack and common sense, kept going on and on about how there was nothing wrong with it, it was funny and wearing blackface isn’t racist if you don’t mean to be offensive, I kind of snapped a little. Those who have faced my wrath on the subjects of politics and social injustice know I can get quite intense on the matter and while I tried my best to stay contained and opted to walk away rather than take it further, I let my feelings be known. I had instant Catholic guilt about the situation but one of the girls in our group looked at me and said, “If you feel that it is your human responsibility to defend those who are not there to defend themselves then you can’t deny that impulse.” Later I apologized for my intensity and much to my surprise, this classmate, who is typically overly defensive, said that she was glad that I stood up for what I believe in. She said it showed character and conviction. And she showed me that if you allow people the opportunity anyone can surprise you. I am hoping that maybe Moscow can do the same.