October 12 - Day 25

There is an ongoing struggle living in Moscow between wanting to assimilate to Russian culture and maintaining the individual truth that comes with being an American. Last night was trip. It was the most American thing I have seen since I have been here (which is interesting, considering it is Swedish music about a Greek Island performed in Russian and directed by a Brit) and it made me really miss the joviality of home. I want to laugh loud, guttural, inappropriate laughs outside the classroom. I want smile at strangers and not feel scared. I want to feel at ease with different-ness, which proved to be the topic of the day. Different students have different takes on how we, as Americans, should behave when we are out and about in Moscow. Russians are a quite people in public and no matter how socially aware we are, when we travel to shows in groups we stick out in the worst kind of way. So that being said, I haven’t quite decided how I feel about my evening metro experience. Tonight we went to a show at the Tshukin school, performed by their movement students. It was bizarre and not really my taste but regardless it was entertaining. Our students then decided that the entertainment shouldn’t end there and fifteen or so guys began group beat-boxing as we walked down the streets of Moscow, even getting our little Siberian translator Marianna to join in. It was funny and really quite good but when we entered the metro and it continued some of the other students began to get really uncomfortable. So this is where I begin to have my internal debate. Part of me understands. It is the part of me who has always cared way too much about what other people think, who has been afraid to look stupid, who has passed up on too many opportunities for joy because I worried about the perception of others. I lost myself worrying how someone else perceived me and ended up being miserable. Now do I think beat boxing in the metro in Moscow is the most appropriate thing – maybe not - but it didn’t hurt anyone, and as our program coordinator Colleen, constantly reminds us – this is good for Russians. Everyone should be pushed out of their comfort zone a little now and then, to test the waters of what is new and different and see how much your own internal perceptions can be change. I definitely feel like I am growing out of my mine.