Last night after the meeting, I had a run in that typifies the f-ed up nature of life in Moscow. Jenna and I decided to go back to the boutique grocery by the metro to pick up some wine and food for a really scrumptious dinner in hopes it would help us chill out after the very stressful day. We were in the store picking out trail mix when we got accosted by a very drunk Russian man who wouldn’t leave us alone. He kept getting in our faces and tried to grab Jenna by the arm. One female employee tried to get him to leave but the others just sat behind the counter laughing at us while I tried my best to squeak out, “HET! HET!” hoping he would go away. He was finally ushered outside and I went into the basement to pick out some wine while Jenna paid. She must not have understood where I said I was going because she thought maybe I left and went outside to look for me. Our scary Russian friend was there waiting for her and a shop employee had to yank her back into the store. Suddenly it wasn’t so funny to them anymore. These things happen everywhere but when you don’t know the language and you can’t understand what crazy drunk men are saying it adds to the fear factor a little bit. Needless to say Jenna and I stayed very close on the way home. Later, after we had made it back and were cooking our feast, we realized that the NIU students were the only ones in the dorm and for the first time since Alex left we were all together. We threw an impromptu potluck and made a make-shift dining table in the hallway. It was fantastic and chill. It was the type of family gathering I have missed being here.
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I have been nervously anticipating today since I went to the doctor last week. I have been so worried that she was going to give me more bad news or tell me that the nodes on my vocal chords are still present. I woke up with anxiety despite having a lovely evening and felt on edge all day. My class was particularly loud and combative, and filled theatre-people drama today and I so desperately wanted to be around thirty year olds. I had a sudden wave of sympathy for people on the receiving end of other’s drama. I have lost my stomach for it and had no desire to deal. Half-way through the day I decided to give myself the right to speak regardless of any doctor’s clearance. My voice is still very raspy and weak but I just needed the release. We started acting class with our daily impressions and I decided to share my terrifying visit to the doctor. I hadn’t realized how much I needed to tell someone about it – about anything – about how scared I have been and how isolating the silence could be. Colleen, our poor program coordinator and today’s translator, looked horrified. Clearly, she had never seen this so-called medical genius. I had just finished up my impression and a few daily exercises when Marianna pulled me out of class for my appointment. I think because I talked about it and joked about it, it was far less scary than the first time. Luckily the appointment was brief and much less painful. She said that the damage on my vocal chords seemed to be healing and while I still shouldn’t talk for a few more days, and most importantly shouldn’t cry, everything looked okay. When we left, the clouds in the sky had parted and for the first time in almost a week there was sun. While, speechlessness isn’t something I would request for myself, it has shown me a lot and given me a lot more to think about. I feel like I have handled this situation pretty well and it has given me the opportunity to reflect on so many other times when I haven’t handled things at all. The mind and the heart aren’t always on the same page. Some people operate better from one place than the other. I feel like for while now my heart and mind been in such adverse juxtaposition to one another because of truths I was too afraid to admit to myself. I am learning so much being in Russia and through all of this several ideas keep playing in my head and appearing in my daily life. We are not innocent of what we are too blind to see. And as the past week has shown me, sometimes the words left unsaid are the ones that hold the most value.
