October 15 - Day 28

Today was a landmark day in my training. It was the first time in this program that I thought, ‘Oh god, I do not want to go to class today.’ I had an exam of sorts in ballet and was dreading in it. We were told that we will be performing a show for the entire faculty and I cannot begin to think of anything with which I am more inept. After the last class and just not being able to make my body do the things it so desperately wants to do, I was simply tired of sucking. I hate having that attitude – the best part of coming here was not caring if I fail and trying full out regardless of the outcome, so I decided to suck it up and even if it was only in my head I was going to be graceful. And to a certain extent, it worked! Okay, I am sure I still looked like a jack-ass, failing my limbs around in inhuman ways, but it was fun and Larissa must have sensed I was really trying because every time I did something right she would squeal Korascho!!! Half way through I realized that I was doing things I didn’t know my body could do and hurting places I didn’t know existed. This class is like my mental Everest. I know I will never be a dancer but if I can just get out of my own damn way for a minute I might learn to be a more patient and less judgmental person – and someone who has a lot more fun.