October 4 - Day 17

Moscow is a very surreal place. This entire experience can be defined as surreal. Or maybe bizarre. Or at least complicated. I am getting hit with so many conflicting emotions at once that it is hard to process it all. One moment I am so blissfully thrilled to be doing whatever it is I am doing and the next I am just trying to breathe through the anxiety of whatever strange foreign obstacle has presented itself. I feel so schizophrenic but I think that might just be part of the process. I am going on Day, I don’t know - 3 or 4 maybe, of silent living. I had gotten used to not being able to communicate with the people in Moscow but it is much more frustrating to not be able to speak with my colleagues or ask questions in class. I could be really depressed about it, but like all things in Moscow it just isn’t that easy. Today the faculty told me they want me to go to the Bolshoi Theatre tomorrow and work with the company’s private physician to figure out what is wrong with me. And while I am sure it will cost a pretty penny, how freaking cool would that be?!? Suddenly all my classmates are jealous of my affliction. Beyond that my sudden loss of speech is really helping my acting. I have always been somewhat uncomfortable being free with my physicality on stage and now I am not worrying about it because I have no choice but to express myself physically and the results have been phenomenal. I cannot express how much I love my acting class. It is like Christmas and Birthdays and rainbows and sunshine all rolled up in one, and now it is even more fun – like a new weird challenge has been added to the mix. That is the crazy thing about this place. It is hard not to find the value in every situation. It is constant learning, constant growth and I have to say I think I am growing in ways I never anticipate. Winter officially started tonight in Moscow and when we got out of class it had turned bitter cold and was starting to pour. We decided to take the metro back to the dorms in lieu of a forty minute walk in the rain and while the idea of the subway at rush-hour is my most vivid image of hell, I didn’t want to risk prolonged silence. We made it on the train fine and even managed to find seats but when we got off my absolute worst nightmare came to life. The subways in Moscow are 40 meters under ground and were designed to act as nuclear fall-out shelters during the Cold War. They are cavernous and always packed. You can feel the oxygen running out as you stand there. So when we made our way to the escalator room to exit some sort of pile up happened. Suddenly there were hundreds of people flooding in from all directions and I was stuck in the middle unable to move. People were slamming into me from all sides and no one was going anywhere. I realized at that moment that there was no way for me to panic – I couldn’t scream, I couldn’t even whisper for help. Luckily one of my classmates, Bob, who is an incredibly sweet and conscientious, knew about my claustrophobia and grabbed my hand from behind me and slowly pushed me through the crowed. This is so lame but I just closed my eyes, stuck my elbows out as far as I could and imagined I was an elephant. I could see the whole thing, my big ears and heavy, powerful legs and giant tusks. I took big deep breaths and moved slowly the way a massive elephant would in a herd. Thinking about it now I feel kind of pathetic but it worked and I didn’t have an anxiety attack. I did take off running as soon as I hit the stairs but hey, at least there was progress. And when I finally hit those sparkling Moscow streets, the freezing rain never felt so good.