October 22 – Day 35

Russia kicked my ass today – hard. St. Petersburg was a wonderful trip, filled with amazing experiences but it also opened an entire series of thoughts and worries I have been trying to put on hold; doubting the future, searching for a home, looking for any indication of what to do next. I sat on a bridge overlooking a canal of the Neva River just as the sun set, casting shadows of heartbreak on the face of St. Isaac’s Cathedral and I prayed to anyone who would listen for a sign. When I got back to Moscow this morning all I got was more confusion, one second I am overwhelmed by a flood of inspiration and the next I am baffled by the exasperating nature of man. We had the morning off after our six AM arrival and started the day with a stirring lecture by Professor Smelianski. We were talking about Chekhov’s play, Ivanov and how in all of his dramas there is the issue of spiritual disease. Chekhov was not a religious man but he often judges his characters on their ability to feel others pain and he constantly writes about intellectual creatures trying to deal with a void of heart – if you are truly alone in the world, unable to connect to the feelings of others and there is no higher power to help you, where do you find the inner strength to keep going. It was the most fascinating conversation and as has become a frequent occurrence, was a mirror to so many of the questions I have been having as of late. I have felt more and more isolated here, dealing with my thoughts beyond this place and the perspective I have within it. In the past few days I have felt so consumed with my inner turmoil, I have been unable to feel for the burdens of others – and this loss of empathy is something I find terribly disturbing. There is all so much to be processed right now and it feels as though at this point we are all in different stages of the process. The ensemble work has become more and more heated and aggravating to the unit as a whole and today it went so far that they were still bickering (I pretty much keep silent these days unless absolutely necessary) when our entire acting faculty, movement faculty and Russian professor, came in to announce that we would not be having class today or tomorrow morning because after the student show tonight, which we were to participate in, we were all invited to the student’s after-party disco ,which typically lasts until six AM. I think at that point a fuse switched off in my brain. It was sensory overload. My professors were telling me not to come to class because they wanted me to go out and drink and mess around with Russian boys. They asked me what I was thinking and all I could say was that this is a very bizarre country and it has been a bizarre few days that I am still trying to figure out. And with that they all left. We spent the rest of the day trying to rehearse with 35 screaming voices, no director and increasing agitation amongst those not willing to yell. I feel so cranky and all I want is have a second to get it out of my system but that is a luxury we don’t have. Stephanie, who is the sweetest girl had to leave after rehearsal to get a drink and calm down before the show. It didn’t really work but by the time started she was feeling no pain. And this is normal – cause it is Russia. The show was a confusing mess but we got on and off without too many catastrophese and the faculty seemed to like it. I was almost out of the theatre, making my dash for home but Jenna stopped me and gave me a surreal soliloquy. She said, “I know that everyday is a test of your patience and everyday is a test of your will but we are all in this together and we just have to remember that.” She went on from there but I was too stunned to process. I am not sure of her exact intent but it snapped me out of my self-indulgent reflection and it least put me back on the track of external awareness.