October 21 – Day 34 - Part One

It was a rough morning. I had been rather well behaved this trip, comparatively speaking (I live in Russia, I am practically a Saint!) and last night after the show we decided to celebrate our final night in St. Petersburg and Eric’s birthday by going to a pub and celebrating Russian style. Let me just say, I now know and I only need to learn once that I am a true American thru and thru and will never be able to “Rock it Russian Style.” That is because it involves bottles and bottles and bottles of vodka and a few of wine for good measure. I am not sure how many people were there. I am not sure how many toasts were made or shots drank but I do know that somehow in a state I am less than proud of, Eric and I decided to engage in a heated debate about life and art and our relationship with one another. I so did not see that coming but there I was, blurry-eyed, listening to a twenty year-old guy lecture me on my life choices and how he HATES everything that I am. I barely know this kid but I am taking it because I am in no state to argue and I knew enough to know that the perspective I have at this point in my life is never going to translate into the perspective that he has at the place he is at in his life. It was a very enlightened moment for me, several shots deep, and all I could think about was this stupid advice columnist I heard on a reality TV show when I was home in St. Louis. He said that you can’t control how you are perceived; you can only control how you are presented. While so cliché, it is a very liberating notion to think you can only be who you are, who you can live with day in and out, and the rest of the world is free to form their own opinions. I grew up being so afraid of being disliked. The idea still upsets me, but at this point I am seeing the triviality of worrying about it. Those you are close with one day might change their opinions the next and it is completely beyond your control. It is so easy to approach relationships looking for results. I want this person to love me, to trust me, to think whatever about me and yet it is a pointless waste of energy. Our acting teachers say all the time that love without reciprocation is not real love. I haven’t decided exactly how I feel about that statement but I am beginning to understand what they mean. And so if someone objects to who I am or can’t love me because of something inherent to my being or simply can’t see me the way I see myself, than that is for them, it is based solely on their perspective. I can’t change/manipulate their perspective and I think I see now how wrong it was to try.