November 14 – Day 58

We have a little over four weeks left and I know as the days pass it will only go faster and faster. I am having the most amazing time here. I feel like I am learning more than I have in my entire life and almost all of the knowledge has come outside of the classroom. Tonight I saw King Lear at Satiricon. It is by far my favorite in all of Shakespeare and this production was my favorite show I have seen yet in Moscow. Hours later I still feel the tightness in my throat thinking of the final picture of Lear and his three dead daughters. It stirred me from beginning to end and reaffirmed once again what this all means. Not everyone liked this production. In fact many of my classmates downright hated it. In situations like this there is always the temptation to debate but the longer I am here the more introspective I have become and the more value I put in silence. All of this reminds me of grandmother, who died when I was two years old. I only know her from stories and her writing and one patchy memory I often question is real. This trip has made me feel closer to her; maybe it is writing, maybe it is searching for god, whatever the reason I find myself in situations thinking about how she might handle them. I know her faith was very important to her and was something she held private and dear. I find myself feeling that way here with this cozy internalization of all my thoughts and feelings, like I have some lovely invisible blanket wrapped around me, holding all these precious moments close to my heart, protecting them from saturation of external negativity. I don’t want to debate what I find beautiful. I don’t want to argue over what makes me happy or sacrifice a lovely moment for tedious inconsequential drama. It just seems so unnecessary now. Lexi came into my room after the show and we had this long philosophical chat about art and love and the promise of tomorrow (pretty much the only things we talk about here) and I vocalized for the first time the truth about coming to Russia. I didn’t come here to learn acting and for the most part nothing I have learned here has been new. I came here to learn about life – a sacred pilgrimage of some sort and while I know that sounds trite it is the only accurate way to describe this experience. I often wonder what adjectives I will use to describe this trip when I come home. Amazing and fantastic and incredible don’t do it justice. Truth be told this trip has not always been rainbows and sunshine. There have been so many things I hate about everything and everyone here but what it has given me is just too invaluable for words. I think that is what I love best about keeping this blog. It has forced me to find the meaning, the value, in everyday. Everyday has a story. Everyday has a lesson to be learned. It is just a matter of how you read it.