November 21 – Day 65

When I left Los Angeles one of the thoughts that consumed me was that there would be no one to see me off – no one who really cared that I was going. In retrospect I see the ridiculousness of this thought process but even more so I see the irony. I have been thinking a lot about what it will be like to come home and the directions my life might take and the only clear conclusion I have drawn is that what ever path I take, I know for now I want to travel it alone. I was pondering this thought tonight traveling home alone on the metro. I love the anonymity of losing myself in the crowd, cloistered by my own demeanor. I have spent so much time thinking about where I have been and where I am going and at this point I am looking forward to a journey of solo self discovery. I see now how easy it was to lose myself in someone else, in their hopes and dreams and baggage rather than rifling through my own. Russia has given me so many gifts but one of the greatest is the realization that there is nothing I can’t do if I want it bad enough. This is so silly, but today, for the first time in my life I was able to do a backbend. I love my movement class so much and the validation it has given me as a human being and a woman. I was always so awkward and uncomfortable in my skin and to have someone say that there is no reason I can’t dive into a forward roll over a stack of chairs is beyond empowering. In that class it is one thing after another, first I am doing the splits (which today included going into the splits forward and then turning to the center and rotating backward without getting up – I am not ashamed to admit I cried a little as Natasha wrenched my body around, tearing the my thigh muscles from the bone) and then today it was to flip over backwards starting in a standing backbend. For some reason this has been the hardest thing for me. I have had such a mental block doing it and everyday would freak myself out until I inevitably fell on my head. But there was something about knowing that I could, if I tried hard enough, do this thing as silly as it might be, completely on my own. And when I finally did it, it just felt so good knowing it was all mine - this moment, this trip, this section of my life, it is all mine and I am not ready to give up that feeling of euphoria yet. I forgot how much I loved to live my life like this, and it is not to say that there aren’t many advantages to love or relationships or a settled existence but it is clear to me now I was in no way ready for that place. I mean, my god, I can run up walls and do one-handed cartwheels over table tops. If that isn’t a sign that this portion of my life is meant to be an adventure then I don’t know what is.