November 15 – Day 59

You must fall in love with your minuses. They are what make you interesting. Marinna, my crazy singing teacher (or grandmother’s doppelganger) tried her best to convey this message to me through broken English as I poured my heart out into ‘Somewhere That’s Green’ from “Little Shop of Horrors.” I used to love to sing and could belt out, confident and strong, and while I think my voice has actually gotten better with age, I have lost that fearless impulse that used to make it fun. Over the last few years the only place I would sing with any conviction was in church so performing today for my classmates felt paralyzing. It was everything I could do to choke back the tears as my voice shook with fear. When I finished Marianna just looked at me like I was crazy. Apparently a shy actor isn’t something she sees everyday. She told me to really think about what I was singing; the hopes and dreams of a young woman who has lofty aspirations in the form of a simple life somewhere that’s green. And then - just like that -I got it. I understand what this character is thinking. I understand searching for happiness or contentment and knowing that it is right there waiting in the most underestimates places. My dad likes to say that we are all just wandering around a dark room, looking for the light switch. We are all just looking for that thing, that place, that grants us a piece of clarity or insight about why we are here and the purpose of it all. I wonder sometimes if I will ever be able to be content, to relax into my minuses and find the joy that comes with a simple existence. I wonder if I have made it all to difficult and if I could just breathe would I see clearly everything that has always been right in front of me. I wonder if it will ever happen and now more often I wonder where I will be when it does.