November 19 – Day 63

I am learning to appreciate silence. Maybe it began when I lost my voice. Maybe it is the result of being constantly surrounded by so many booming personalities but today I just wanted to crawl into my skin and swim around in my own thoughts without being forced to engage with others. I talk too damn much and sometimes it is good to just pipe down for a bit. Here it is easier to disappear. I turn up my Ipod to block out the sound and close my eyes and try to forget all the people surrounding me. It woks for a while and then the circumstances bring me back to reality, where my voice is required and it is required with weight. Every day we begin our acting class with these group Etudes and to say they have been a shit-show lately would be vulgar but the only fitting description. We all met last night to discuss the line up for this week and somehow I ended up ‘spearheading’ the discussion (this is the term we have to use because with 35 actors of varying sized egos, if you say the word director, I swear, it is pure pandemonium) and offered my ideas for the project. Shockingly it met no resistance and after the meeting one of my classmates paid me the highest compliment. He said that he always likes when I am in charge because I don’t say a lot and people really listen. I am embarrassed to admit I find myself doing that horribly female thing of worrying I might appear bitchy in a leadership role and being validated for my ability to be strong and simultaneously respectful was incredibly reassuring. These days I am seeing the value of saying less while conveying more and for that reason I decide to opt out of actually performing in the Etude. I hid behind a flat and conducted the atmosphere (lighting and sound design) and tried my best to sneak a peak at the action. After the performance was finished we gathered around Sergie who had a particularly sever look on his face. I could feel my stomach drop waiting for the feedback because this piece more than any other we have done was particularly close to my heart. He did not smack his legs and say Molotsy as is his usual response when we do something decent. Instead he spoke very slowly and explained through Natasha that it was hands down the best piece we have ever done. It was the first piece that actually achieved the point of the exercise and beyond that it was beautifully staged and executed – the story was flawless. I think I started to glow a little and it didn’t matter that I wasn’t on stage and that he had no idea that I was even involved. It just felt good to see a story I created in my mind lived through vividly on stage. More so it felt good just to do it quietly, without attitude or dominance but to share something I love with these talented artists and watch as they lived it in their own hearts. It was just a really special moment and it reminded me so much of why I love this art form. It never ceases to amaze and surprise me and lately I feel like I am beginning to surprise myself.