November 16 – Day 60

I think her hair was white but it may have been silver. She might have worn glasses and I am pretty sure she had on ivory pearls that matched her woolen sweater. This was all I caught from the guest lecturer whose name I can’t recall. I was too absorbed working out the logistics of what would happen one month from today. Mom had emailed me wanting to know my flight plans for Christmas and when I looked at my bank account I realized going home for the holidays would be impossible. I would need to find a job, any job, as soon as I got back just to be able to pay my rent come January. And so I would be back to the wretched cycle I left, struggling to find work, any work, to pay the bills, surviving rather than thriving. The more I thought about it the more futile this entire trip seemed. What was the point of coming here, of doing all this work and spending all this money if I was just going to dive back into the life I had been living which had made me so miserable? I don’t know that I want to be finished with that place, that life, but I know that I am not ready to go back. I feel like if I go back unprepared I will end up with the same life I had before. I need a purpose and I need more time to figure out what that is. When I go back I want to make a fresh start. I believe in the possibility of second chances, of starting anew but if the last year has taught me anything it is that if you go back to something too soon, without fully letting go of the past, nothing will change. You will end up repeating the same patterns of behavior that led you astray. So I made a decision the way I have made all the major decisions in my life, with an impulse, a sudden click that makes all the over-analytical worrying clear. It always boggles my mind when it happens. I have spent this entire trip searching for answers and when one finally hit me it seemed so simple and obvious I don’t know how I had not thought of it before. The idea of leaving LA is scary but the thought of going back unprepared is worse. It just makes sense to take a little more time. Why not put the decision making process on hold for a bit and explore the rest of the world. My parents are incredibly supportive and it seems like for once my train of thought is in line with theirs. I want to go back to them for a bit, spend time with people who make me feel special and loved and figure out exactly where I want to be. If I go back to California, I want it to be because my heart refuses to be any other place. It would be so easy to cling on to memories of the way things were but my heart (and gut) are telling me to venture out into the unknown and fully realize this new path I am creating. I wasn’t too fond of the girl I left back in Los Angeles and am ready to let her go. And it feels okay because this time around I feel pretty good about the person I am starting to become.