November 26 – Day 70

I have learned how to say No. I have also learned that not every situation which requires a No also requires drama or guilt or angst. It is in fact possible to say no, to take your personal needs into account first and foremost, and do it in a way that doesn’t make you a bitch or turn you into a sniveling little complainer. To be honest it feels good to say No. Dare I say, I feel proud of myself. My day was filled with no’s, some direct and some more of an assertion of my own needs and unwillingness to sacrifice those needs for the placation of others. I feel myself changing and growing. Tonight I asked the guys to respect my space and leave my room when they were beginning to make me uncomfortable. It wasn’t dramatic. I didn’t feel guilty. In fact I didn’t feel anything other than normalcy. To some this might not seem like much. To some saying no is a natural action. For me it has always caused pangs of anxiety, waves of nausea, and an endless inner dialogue in which I scold others for asking of me something inappropriate and then myself for not being stronger. In Moscow I find myself belting out ‘Het!’ at seemingly inappropriate times. It is my only option. It is my only defense and for the most part it has worked swimmingly. I think the idea of ‘Het!’ has permeated my psyche and has given me the perspective to shift the way I interact with the world. We all have basic needs, moral parameters and issues of respect, but having the resolve to defend those needs is something a bit more problematic. I made a choice today and while it felt like a monumental accomplishment to say no to someone I love very much in order to preserve my own newly found emotions/spiritual/physical levity, in reality it was just a simple choice. One decision. One option out of a limited number of options. Before I came to Moscow, when I was in St. Louis and it looked as though the trip might be delayed or cancelled I had an epiphany. I realized that in any situation there are a limited number of scenarios that could possibly result. Either we will go or we won’t. Either I will stay on my given path or I will choose leave. Either I will allow someone in and accept their love or I will tell them no. Either someone will love me back or they won’t. I have a tendency to make things far more complicated than they need to be and somehow looking at conflicts like a simple mathematic equation, while slightly ludicrous is still highly liberating. I think I understand now what someone once told me about thinking it through before processing all the relevant emotions. I still have those guttural reactions but now I feel less burdened somehow. Saying no isn’t the end of the world. It is just a choice. One of hundreds I will make in any given day. And for the first time it feels pretty ok.