November 9 – Day 53

I heard something interesting today. This morning we added yet another class – Sceneography or Scenic Design, to our roster and I was a bit worried as I had not heard great things about the class or the faculty. In actuality it was not terrible but I did find myself generally opposing most of what was said. (I later wondered if that was because I went in with a negative attitude and promised myself that the next class would be better.) There was one notable exception. Gayev, who bears a striking resemblance to Stalin, told out class that theatre doesn’t teach. It does, however, ask questions and it is because we are still searching for these answers that theatre is relevant. It is an interesting topic which made me think, and thinking it seemed, was to be the topic of the day. We talk here and we think, because aside from acting it is pretty much all there is to do and lately I have been thinking far too much. I go through waves when the thoughts of my imminent and undetermined future creep up in my and I start to worry about what I will do next. I try my best to push them aside and concentrate on the present but now that there is only a month or so left it seems that these are issues I will soon be forced to deal with. Today I tried to distract myself as best I could. Jenna and I went out for sushi and I spent hours working on my scenes. But then we started talking. First Eric and I got into a discussion about the work and the future and he once again showered me with his insights and opinions about my choices in my acting and my life. I have found it is best to just let him talk as I don’t have the desire to debate issues that are personal and private but he did have some interesting insight. He said that it is always obvious when I am thinking too much – this isn’t news, it is my tell – but had I thought that this was something that I had let go of largely here, at least within the classroom. Looking at it now I know what he was saying and I wish so much I could get out of my own way. When I am able to shut it off and just be I find such clarity and release in the work. I just haven’t figured out how to initiate this action. Ironically, right after I left the conversation with Eric, it ending after his rant about why I should get out of LA, I spent an hour talking with Betsy about my life there. She was asking me about my regrets and what I would have done differently, and I wondered for a moment if these were the type of futile thoughts I should be avoiding in the first place. Truth be told, a life without regrets seems to me to be a life not fully lived; maybe this is a point of contention for some people but to me regrets seem slightly unavoidable and it is what you do with them that counts. By the end of the day my head was reeling but luckily my heart was intact. I feel it growing stronger here and while I am still doing much too much pondering, I think for now the lamenting and suffering is over. I am figuring it out here. I guess that was the point.