November 24 – Day 68

From time to time I find myself glancing up out of the corner of my eye with a half smirk, just checking in, remembering that there is someone up there after all, who is paying close attention to the goings on in my life and wants me to know that I am in fact on my way. Last night I got a glimpse of how different this trip could have been. I had stayed up much too late chatting online with my past and when I finally fell into bed it was nearly three in the morning. I lye there staring at the cubist shadow formations gliding along my ceiling, feeling oddly undismayed by the conversation when just as my lids got heavy, the phone in Jenna’s room started to ring. To say that Russian handy work is sub-par would be overly generous and as it stands, Jenna and I might as well not even have a wall separating our rooms since I can hear every consonant she makes even if she attempts to speak in a whisper. Last night, however, she had no intention of being quite because it was her long distance boyfriend on the other end of the line and the two were gearing up for a war of the roses, one I recognize with burning familiarity. I listened or tried my best not to listen, thinking that had things worked out differently I too might be suffering at this moment from unnecessary guilt and heartache but instead I feel a strange sense of contentment now thinking about the future and transitioning from this phase to the next. As I lye there, silently applauding familiar battle strategies, I tried to remember the last time I entered a period of my life without the bitter half of the bittersweet goodbye. I feel hopeful now, excited, and while I am in no rush to leave this place, I am greatly looking forward to going home. Funny that tonight when my obliterate girlfriends were giving me grief about abstaining from certain activities (ones which I dare not mention out of fear that tomorrow they might actually remember what they were doing) and for being (gasp) OLD, my first thought was an emphatic, “Yes! I am!” While I know I am not actually old, I feel blissful in the knowledge that that section of my life is over. It is thrilling and fresh. I feel like I really have been given a clean slate to make of it anything I want and this time around I am armed with a richer sense of self, a better sense humor and the unburdened freedom that comes with knowing that life is ever-changing and even the most difficult heartache will heal itself with time.