November 23 – Day 67

I find such joy in watching developing talent, in seeing someone who has struggled get it for the first time. There is a girl in my class who presents herself as an easy target. She is often tactless, inappropriate or crass but she very much wants to get this and she struggles with almost every exercise. Earlier this week I had a conversation with her about her process and the road blocks she felt she had reached. She had just been eviscerated by the other students’ in-class critique of her work and I could tell the constant negative feedback was starting to get to her. I could empathize with her plight. I remember during my undergrad facing similar note sessions and how demoralizing they could be. I wanted her to know that she wasn’t alone. I didn’t want her to continue to feel singled out like a weak link in the ensemble. In situations like this it is always just a matter of getting out of your own way – and that is the one issue that as actors we all face. As we spoke she told me how she doesn’t care what people say because every time they knock her down she knows she just has to get up and try again but unfortunately it is a very “I’ll show them!” attitude and I know it well. The difference is that now after years on the defensive, I can see that that way of thinking is neither productive nor healthy. Somehow I let go of that armor and I am not sure where it happened – It just seems like it creates unnecessary walls and provokes work for the wrong reasons. While I believe this all to be true I knew that it was not the time or situation to share my epiphany so instead I just offered the idea that in every experience there must be an element of joy or self-discovery and even if something fails, it is the growth that you gain that makes it all worthwhile. So it was such a thrill to watch her today. It seemed like she was finally getting it and for the first time in months she wasn’t defensive. She was open and sincere and most importantly it looked like she was having fun. I loved watching it so much! There were many beautiful moments and once again I found myself reflecting on why I love this work. I believe I have gotten as much from watching others here as I have working myself. We act as a sort of mirror for one another here and they remind me so much of where I have been and even more so they challenge me to think about where I am going.